ACT 1, SCENE 1: How It All Began
SCENE: Shortly before a press conference, during Ronald Reagan's first term of office. The news media have an almost insurmountable task before them: getting the facts straight. The main reason for this difficulty is that Reagan does have a tendency to muddle his statistics and attribute quotes to people (living or dead) who have never made such statements at any point in their lives. Worse still, whenever someone points out a fact that disproves any of Reagan's beliefs (such as: Approximately 80% of air pollution comes from vegetation), the Prez labels these arguments "dipsy doodles". Then he proceeds to "correct" these errors with even more mangled figures. Knowing that there is going to be a long day's work ahead of them, the reporters sing a little song to kill some time before Reagan arrives.
DIPSY DOODLE
(to the tune of Yankee Doodle)
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Dipsy Doodle, Ronald Reagan
Figure fabricator
Why on earth do they call him
The Great Communicator?
REFRAIN:
Dipsy Doodle, make 'em up
History revisions
Never let important facts
Influence your decisions
Ronnie warned the world
That vegetation makes pollution
To this day, he still believes
James Watt had the solution
Ronnie loves his anecdotes
But please don't be heartbroken
When you learn his favorite quotes
Have never once been spoken
Ronnie needs his teleprompters
Cue cards and one-liners
Cameras, scripts, hairdressers,
Make-up, lights, and set designers
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ACT 1, SCENE 2: The Arms Race
SCENE: Congress attempting to work out a budget for 1986. Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger, distraught over critics claiming that the defense budget must be cut in order to reduce the deficit, appears before the committee to plead his case. Cap's entrance is a little more dramatic than necessary, however; he rushes into the room and screams, "The Commies are coming!", hoping to shake up the members of Congress, so they will be more inclined to vote in his favor. When decorum reigns again, Weinberger--backed by a group of Republicans--makes his appeal in a more civilized manner.
WEINBERGER
(to the tune of America The Beautiful)
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WEINBERGER:
Oh, give me funds for submarines
And MX missiles, too
Some B-1 bombers would be nice
Can I depend on you?
REPUBLICANS:
Oh, Weinberger! Oh, Weinberger!
How Reagan sponsors thee!
And military spending is
Our first priority!
WEINBERGER:
If you suggest we cut defense
To give to social aid
We'll say the Russians have more bombs
To make you feel afraid
REPUBLICANS:
Oh, Weinberger! Oh, Weinberger!
How Reagan sponsors thee!
And military spending is
Our first priority!
WEINBERGER:
I'm tired of all those sissies
Who say Star Wars is insane
Since Ronnie won another term
Their whining's all in vain!
REPUBLICANS:
Oh, Weinberger! Oh, Weinberger!
How Reagan sponsors thee!
And military spending is
Our first priority!
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ACT 1, SCENE 3: Reagan's Second Term
SCENE: Mere months after Reagan's re-election, trouble looms on the horizon. Farmers are in an uproar over the White House having no sympathy for their economic troubles, and students are worried about the possibility of budget cuts that would prevent many of them from going to college. They're only the tip of the iceberg; Reagan has many more unkind cuts in store, but once you've cast the vote, you have to swallow what your candidate gives you....
FROM THE RANCH IN CALIFORNIA
(to the tune of the Marine Corps Hymn,
From The Halls Of Montezuma)
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From the ranch in California
To the House in old D.C.
Ronald Reagan stormed America
With his demagoguery
Now that everything
That Mondale feared
Suddenly is coming true
Giving Reagan
Four more years again
Was a stupid thing to do
Oh, the farmers
Cast their votes for him
And the kids said,
"Four more years!"
Now the farmers
Scream for parity
And the students are in tears
'Cause he's giving them
The same routine
That he did four years ago
Only this time,
It's the middle class
That's receiving every blow
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ACT 1, SCENE 4: The First Bushwhacking
SCENE: January, 1989, after George Bush is sworn in as President of the United States. Despite Democratic contender Michael Dukakis' early lead in the polls, Bush's negative ad campaigns (Willie Horton) and his appeals to the public's greed ("Read my lips: No new taxes!") eventually triumphed. Despite the similarities between Bush's policies and Reagan's, this is definitely not the Reagan "First Family". Their dress and attitude can best be described as Sloppy Country Club Chic. Furthermore, this is a large family, and it's almost impossible to figure out how many Bushes are going to be moving into the White House. Imagine, if you will, Bush's clan piling into a Mercedes moving van, on their way to the White House....
THE WASHINGTON HILLBILLIES
(to the tune of The Ballad Of Jed Clampitt,
The Beverly Hillbillies theme song)
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Come and listen to a story
'Bout a man named George
I don't mean the guy
That you know from Valley Forge
The voters said
That he made 'em want to puke
When up through the ranks
Come a bumblin' Duke
Mike, that is...
Little guy...
Funny brows...
Well, the next thing you know,
The story's turned around
The news folk said,
"Hey, George is gaining ground!"
They said, "Californy is
Where Reagan's gonna be
As they're loading up
The White House with Bush's family!"
Hoardes of 'em...
They need help...
Birth control...
The Washington Hillbillies!
(Cheerful banjo solo follows)
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