Clinton on sax Act 2:
The GOP
Gets Spanked

ACT 2, SCENE 1: Campaign '92

SCENE: The Republican Convention in Houston, Texas, July 1992. The economy is worse than ever, the deficit is bigger than that of all the previous Presidents (including Carter) combined, and overall, the country is in worse shape than it has ever been in since the Great Depression. Among the keynote speakers are Ronald Reagan, who is given the rather difficult task of convincing Americans that things aren't as bad as they really are. To shore up Bush's support from the radical Right, Pat Buchanan also speaks. Speaking as a Christian, he declares there is a "religious war" going on in America, completely missing the point that Jesus was a believer in peace and tolerance.

GOP CONVENTION
(to the tune of Stars and Stripes Forever)

Hey, we've got the money
We've got the power
We've got a speech by Ronald Reagan
We've got support from the Right
And the rich--the "Me Generation", too!

Thank the Lord
We benefited from Reagan policy
That's where we all agree
Thank the Lord
Some people still believe
Women shouldn't be free!

Hey, we're after Clinton
We're after Gore and
We're gonna dictate family values
We're gonna harp on the draft
Although Dan Quayle got around it, too!

Thank the Lord
This business of the draft
never goes away
Looks like it's here to stay
Thank the Lord
The past distracts from
What really matters today!

Oh, division, diversion, that's the key
It's the way of the GOP!
If you don't really mind hypocrisy
Why not join us at
The GOP Convention!

Crush the women, the poor, and elderly
That's the way of the GOP!
If you're white and you're rich
And filled with greed
Why not join us at
The GOP Convention!

Win one for the red-white-and-blue!
This convention's a right-winger grab bag
Who cares if we all catch the flu
From the waving of the flag!

Just say that the country is back
Wave the flags
That we bought for the Olympics
Make sure they lose sight of the fact
Despair is all
That this administration inflicts!

 

WHEN PATRICK COMES MARCHING HOME
(to the tune of When Johnny Comes Marching Home)

When Patrick comes marching home again
Hurrah! Hurrah!
A-grinning above his double chin
Hurrah! Hurrah!

They'll hear his holy battle cry
His shining cross held up so high
And the Lord will smile
When Patrick comes marching home!

For he's bringing back normality
Hurrah! Hurrah!
So he can dictate morality
Hurrah! Hurrah!

Yes, he's our hero because he swore
To lead us in a religious war
And the Lord will smile
When Patrick comes marching home!

We're stomping the liberal Democrats
Hurrah! Hurrah!
No, they'll never say we're diplomats
Hurrah! Hurrah!
Crusading always creates a stir
We'll never be too popular
But the Lord will smile
When Patrick comes marching home!

 

INTERMISSION: The Un-Candidate

SCENE: As if the 1992 campaign had not been messy enough, further confusion resulted when Texas billionaire H. Ross Perot suddenly announced on the TV program Larry King Live that he might decide to run for President. Though he never really announced his candidacy, this didn't stop Perot from becoming an overnight sensation...until he backed out of the campaign that had never really begun...then dropped hints that he might re-enter the race...until only his most die-hard supporters even cared whether he was running or not.

Ballad of H. Ross Perot
(to the tune of Ballad of the Green Berets)

Out of Texas came a man
With no platform and no plan
Yet many voters' hearts he won
Just one thing...will he really run?

Put the man up on display
It's the old American way
Give us an answer, yes or no
Will you be Candidate Perot?

Then the mud began to fly
He and Bush both wondered why
That in the polls, they soon did find
Bill Clinton left both of them behind

Put them all up on display
It's the old American way
There's still no answer, yes or no
Will he be Candidate Perot?

Volunteers from all around
Got his campaign off the ground
As quickly as he'd gotten in
He backed out of the race again

Put the man up on display
It's the old American way
We got the answer--it was no
He was not Candidate Perot

As Bush and Clinton slug it out
In our minds, there is no doubt
That when it comes to Ross Perot,
There's no such thing as a yes or no

Put them all up on display
It's the new American way
So what's the answer, yes or no?
Will you be Candidate Perot?

He says he might run once more
So why did he quit before?
So that the press would let him be
Thus he escaped their scrutiny

Put him back up on display
It's the new American way
There's just one thing we surely know
He won't be President Perot

 

ACT 2, SCENE 2: There's No Debate About It

SCENE: September, 1992. George Bush has refused to attend any of the Presidential debates scheduled by a bi-partisan group. Instead, he would rather debate during the baseball championships and the World Series, so that very few people would be watching....

WE WON'T DEBATE!
(to the tune of Anchors Aweigh!)

We won't debate, no way!
We won't debate!
'Cause if we can't dictate the rules
We'll have no choice except to
Just stay away, my boys
Just stay away
'Cause we're not men enough
To battle our opponents face-to-face!

We won't debate, no way!
We won't debate!
Too bad that Willie Horton
Never moved to Arkansas
So we won't debate, no way!
We won't debate!
We'll just keep slinging mud
And dodging issues till Election Day!

We might debate, okay!
We might debate
But only during The World Series
When nobody's watching
We might debate, okay!
We might debate!
Our campaign strategy's
Depending on pretending we'll debate!
 

 

ACT 2, SCENE 3: Beginning Of The End

In the final hours before Election Day, Bill Clinton turns into a superhuman campaigning machine. He doesn't stop for sleep, or even to rest his voice when he loses it, letting Hillary introduce him to the crowds and reprising his stint on The Arsenio Hall Show by playing the saxophone for the crowds that increase in size with every stop. The future President and his entourage become giddy from their gains in the polls and their lack of sleep. Even the news reporters traveling with the Clinton campaign are complaining and marveling at the same time, battling exhaustion to keep up. And they're not alone--George Bush Sr. is frantically campaigning to keep up, but by that time, his efforts were in vain.

STUMPIN' WILLY
(to the tune of "Little Willy" by The Sweet)

Up North, down South
Stumpin' Willy, Willy is the king
Of the meet-and-greet thing
Voice gone, no sweat
Willy sends 'em silly
With a solo on his saxophone

Way past one
He's feelin' all right
If you follow Willy 'round
You'll be up all night

Slow down, slow down
Slow down, down

'Cause Stumpin' Willy, Willy won't go home
No you can't stop Willy
'Cause he's on a roll
Tired travelin' reporters saying, "Oh, no!
Stumpin' Willy, Willy won't go home!"

Back East, out West
Stumpin' Willy, Willy greets the crowds
With a handshake and smile
Can't stop, can't sleep
Willy's gettin' silly as he
Racks up the frequent-flier miles

George, he done chased Willy
Through every state
But laugh, Willy laugh,
He knows it's too late

Slow down, slow down
Slow down, down

But Stumpin' Willy, Willy won't go home
No you can't stop Willy
'Cause he's on a roll
Tired travelin' reporters saying, "Oh, no!
Stumpin' Willy, Willy won't go home!"

 

ACT 2, SCENE 4: "It's Time For Them To Go!"

SCENE: Though George Bush had eventually agreed to debate (more out of a desperation to salvage his campaign, than out of any sense of duty to the American public), November 3, 1992 just wasn't his day. As a fitting climax to this campaign, the Clinton/Gore supporters invoke the words of Al Gore during his acceptance speech at the 1992 Democratic Convention.

BATTLE HYMN OF THE PUBLIC
(to the tune of Battle Hymn of the Republic)

The right-wing coalition
has been shaken to the core
Is it any wonder Bush and Quayle
are feeling pretty sore
As the voting public heeds
the battle cry of Albert Gore:
"It's time for them to go!"

REFRAIN:
George and Danny won't surrender
So, the third day of November,
Stamp 'em both "RETURN TO SENDER"
"It's time for them to go!"

Now, Bush proclaims that crime
is getting out of hand today
He says Arkansas's the worst offender
in the U.S.A.
Tell me, how could Little Rock
be worse than New York or L.A.?
"It's time for them to go!"

George told families of the MIA's
to Shut up and sit down!
Iran-Contra allegations follow him
from town to town
Meanwhile, Quayle has nothing better
to debate than Murphy Brown
"It's time for them to go!"

It's strange, how Bush denounces
Mrs. Clinton on TV
You would think that his opponent
wasn't Bill, but Hillary
I'll bet somewhere, Mike Dukakis thinks,
"It's even Greek to me!"
"It's time for them to go!"

They're losing, so they brought
Jim Baker back from overseas
He's reduced the whole campaign
to mere divisiveness and sleaze
While recession hangs above us
like the Sword of Damocles
"It's time for them to go!
 

CLICK HERE FOR ACT 3!

 
 
 

 
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THE MUSICAL FREE STUFF OTHER FUN STUFF
ACT I: The 1980's

ACT II: The 1990's

ACT III: D-Dubya-I

ACT IV: Campaign '04

ACT IV (Part 2)

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