ANN COULTER'S MYSTERIOUS PAST? Visit the Strap-On Vets For Truth web site, and decide for yourself!

"I think [women] should be armed but should not [be allowed to] vote."
 
Ann Coulter, 2-26-01,
on Politically Incorrect

Ann Coulter:
Psycho Nazi b*tch From Hell!

 
WHAT ANN'S LATEST BOOK SHOULD LOOK LIKE:
 
Coulter's Book
 
You know, the more I look at Ann Coulter, the more convinced I am that "she" was actually born a man. I wondered what "she" would look like with "her" makeup removed, so I fired up my ArcSoft image program to find out. For good measure, I cropped out "her" long hair in the AFTER photo:
 
Man Coulter BEFORE Man Coulter AFTER
 
Jesus! Is that scary, or what? Note the square jaw, the shapeless lips...and of course, the ever-present Adam's apple. And look at the size of that ear...I've never seen an ear this big on any female creature that wasn't behind bars in a zoo!  
 

 

When Ann Coulter's USA Today column was axed, she complained about being censored by the liberal media. Now, being the fair-minded person that I am, the thought of anyone's voice being silenced simply on the basis of their political leanings greatly disturbed me.

Being a part-time freelance writer, I decided to test this theory. Was Coulter, as she claims, censored because of her political views, or was her column so offensive and poorly-written that USA Today had no choice but to hire another conservative columnist? There was, I reasoned, only one way to find out: Rewrite Coulter's column (read the unabridged version), preserve the hateful invective, but give it a liberal slant. Given Coulter's success in bestselling books, writing something in her style with a left-wing outlook should guarantee success for my column, right? Here's my version:

* * *

Here at the Spawn of Satan convention in New York, moderates are deploying a series of covert signals to identify one another, much like child-molesting priests do. My allies are the ones wearing "Give Peace A Chance" T-shirts. The people sporting shirts emblazoned with suggestions of violent homosexual acts to perpetrate upon disliked liberals are my opponents. Also, as always, the intelligent women and other decent human beings are on my side, most of them barely able to conceal their eye-rolling.

Republicans are constantly slandering liberals as socialist, tax-and-spend demons hell-bent on creating programs to destroy the fabric of this great nation -- with the exception of programs that benefit them, which are lauded as sound economic policy, right up until the Republicans pack up and leave town on Friday, whereupon government programs will revert to their natural state of being socialist.

A speaker at the Republican National Convention this year, turncoat Democratic Senator Zell Miller, accused people of making lunatic charges of prisoner abuse against Coalition Forces, and thinks that adhering to the Geneva Convention guidelines equates with "rushing to give aid and comfort to the enemy". So it's a real mystery why decent human beings wouldn't like the Republicans he supports.

As for the intelligent women, I can only guess that it's because neo-Con boys never try to make a move on you without slipping you a date-rape drug first. Plus, it's no fun riding around in those dinky little foreign sports cars when some drunk, coked-up C-student frat boy son of a Yalie is trying to feel you up. My intelligent-woman allies stick out like a sore thumb amongst the anorexic, overly made-up, SUV driving, no-bra filling, hair-bleaching, skeletal, somewhat fragrant Stepford-wife coke wagons they call "Ann Coulter wannabees" at the Republican National Convention.

Apparently, the nuts at the Republican National Convention are going to be put in cages outside the convention hall. Sadly, they won't be fighting to the death as is done in W.W.F. caged matches. They're calling this the "free speech zone", although I suppose a better name would be the "Protect Bush From Hecklers Zone".

I thought this was a great idea until I realized the "nut" category did not include Miller, Rudy Giuliani, George Pataki, Dick Cheney and George D-Dubya-I Bush - all featured speakers at the convention. I'd say the actual policy is only untelegenic nuts get the cages, but steroid-enhanced Ah-nold Schwarzenegger is speaking at the Convention, too. So it must be cages for "nuts who have not run for office as serious candidates for the Republican Party".

Looking at the line-up of speakers at the Convention, I have developed the 7-11 challenge: I will quit making fun of, for example, Ah-nold Schwarzenegger, if he can prove he can run a 7-11 properly for 8 hours. We'll even let him have an hour or so of preparation before we open up. Within 8 hours, the money will be gone, the store will be empty, and he'll be explaining how three girly-men came in and, while he was chasing them away, somebody slipped in and swiped the cash.

For years, the Reagans wouldn't let Michael Reagan within 100 miles of a family reunion. The fact that Michael is now a welcomed speaker tells you how desperate the party is to associate with Ronald Reagan's name today. Maybe they just want to remind Americans who got us into this trickle-down economics mess in the first place. We've got millions of unemployed workers trying to sell everything they own on eBay, while the Republicans are shouting "Four more years!" Yeah, let's turn the nation over to these guys.

With any luck, they'll book some of the Swift Boat Veterans For Treason to claim that John Kerry supported Jane Fonda's visit to North Vietnam. Just a few weeks ago, these guys published a book accusing Kerry of shooting himself to earn some of his military honors, to sway journalists and pressure the media into writing bad things about Kerry - in case you were wondering why there had been so many glowing articles about Kerry up to that point.

The last former government official to slake his thirst so deeply with blood and become a far-right chickenhawk was Newt Gingrich, and it took him a few years to dump his cancer-stricken wife while she lay in a hospital bed. The liberal media must have done some number on Newt. Then again, with his yen for home-wrecking tarts, maybe Newt's references to "conservative values" was intended as irony.

Only a few hundred major newspapers reported the "Kerry-with-Fonda" connection, though a statement that they only happened to be at the same event was relegated to an "urban legends" site on the internet. The "Swift Boat Veterans For Truth" call Kerry unpatriotic, and the Swift Boat veterans who were actually on the same boat as Kerry call him a hero. (It's a right-wing spin cycle!)

The nuts in the cages are virtual Bertrand Russells compared to the official speakers at the Republican Convention. On the basis of their placards, I gather the caged-nut position is that they love the troops so much, they're willing to vote for the guy who sent them to be killed. "I support the troops," they say, "therefore I support Bush"--and you're said to be un-American if you don't want the troops to be killed so that Bu$hCo can grow richer.

That's my new position on all government workers, except the 5 percent who aren't useless, which is to say cops, prosecutors, firemen and U.S. servicemen. I love bureaucrats at the Department of Defense funding weapons made with depleted uranium so much - I think they should be sent to be killed. I love public school teachers banning anti-Dubya T-shirts so much - I think they should be sent to be killed.

Walking back from the convention site, I chatted with a normal New Yorker for several blocks - who must have identified me through our covert system of signals. He was mostly bemused by the Republicans' primetime speakers and told me he used to be an independent, but for the last 20 years found himself voting mostly Democratic. Then he corrected himself and said he votes for the "sane".

I'd say I love all these Republicans in NYC so much, I want them to be sent to be killed, but I don't. I want Americans to get a good long look at this neo-Nazi Party and keep the 7- 11 challenge in mind.

* * *

Well, guess what? My pro-liberal version of this column didn't get published, either. You don't think it could be because of all the improper grammar, run-on sentences, and hatemongering, do you? Naaah!

 
 

 
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