Products We'd Like To See

Bush Chickenhawk Dancing Doll

Isn't he cute? Cabbage Patch Kids aren't the only dolls that come with cool accessories. Dancing Dubya comes with papers excusing him from duty in Vietnam, and a wad of pretend money for paying off people to smear real vets during political campaigns. John McCain, Max Cleland, and John Kerry dolls sold separately.

Dick Cheney Talking Doll

This toy is totally cutting-edge! It sneers and snarls a lot, and says a dozen phrases that we can't repeat here, but let's just say they're guaranteed to get this cool action figure confiscated by your teacher...and if you repeat any of his phrases, you'll be grounded for a month!

Robert Novak Douche Bag

Exclusively from Jon Stewart Enterprises, this wonderful hygiene product will keep you GOP Stepford-wives feeling fresh all day. But don't worry, guys, we haven't left you out -- you can use it as an enema bag, too, whenever you're feeling like a Republican: Full of sh*t, with a burning need to spew it out in a torrent of crap.

Ann Coulter Beauty Kit

Comes with everything you need, to be a GOP Über-babe, just like Ann. Blondes have more fun, honey, so fry those tresses with Ann Coulter Bleach. Then get that Ann-tastic figure with Ann's exclusive Nuclear-Strength Laxatives and Even Rush Limbaugh's Afraid To Pop These Babies! super-powered diet pills. See these toothpick legs, defined ribs, and the skeletal wrists dangling from these sleeves? Now you can get 'em, too! Top it all off with Eau de Coulter Parfum, rich with the scent of bile.

Bill O'Reilly Bagpipes

Remember the days when Irishmen were Democrats, fighting for the rights of the working man? Well, ever since Ronald Reagan defected to the GOP, those days are long gone, aren't they? And, of all the turncoat Irish Republican traitors on the political scene, Bombastic Bill still leads the pack! Celebrate YOUR Celtic Republican heritage with this awesome musical instrument. Learn to play, with the included manual, and soon you'll make this instrument just like Bill: An obnoxious, earsplitting windbag!

The "No Spin" Vibrator

Another quality product, heartily endorsed by Bill O'Reilly during his unsolicited phone sex calls to Andrea Mackris. In fact, he was so enthusiastic about this product, that he not only encouraged her to buy one, but also used one on himself while talking to her! Endorsements don't get much more personal than that!

Rush Limbaugh Prescription Pad

Why rely on a housekeeper who could narc on you someday? Get your fix privately and discreetly, with this 500-sheet pad, complete with a genuine-looking watermark. Write your own prescriptions for all the pills you'll ever need!

Swift Boat Veterans Smear Campaign Manual

Are you a Republican politician running for office, and the numbers of you and your opponent in those pesky polls are just too close for comfort? Don't despair...let the pros show you how to trash the opposition AND distract voters' attention from important issues of the day! In this book, you'll learn how to find people who were in your opponent's general vicinity 30 years ago, and recruit them to lie about his past. By the time you're finished with your opponent's rep, that sumbitch won't be able to get elected dogcatcher!


ACT I: The 1980's

ACT II: The 1990's

ACT III: D-Dubya-I

ACT IV: Campaign '04

ACT IV (Part 2)


(Click to get it NOW!)

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Products We'd Like To See

Special Place In Hell
For Ann Coulter